Thursday, July 10, 2008

Let's just be real

I have to be honest. I haven't been writing because I really haven't wanted to share, or talk about what has REALLY been going on over here. I don't want to force myself to blog, only to share something fake, and so I haven't. Until today when I decided I can't take it any longer, and I just don't care what people think (because no matter how much I fight it, I always care what people think). My husband and I are at the lowest point financially we have ever been.

I know that we aren't alone. I know that gas prices are killing everyone, people are losing their jobs (even Starbucks is closing 500 stores?), foreclosure rates are at an all time high, yadda....yadda.

Well, let's just say it sucks, and its really hard. What is our story? How did we get here?
Well lets just say that we never planned on getting pregnant, which lead to the decision to move to Indiana for lower cost of living, job potential and family (mine). So we came, and since last summer Wade hasn't been able to find a great job. When I had Capri, he was working at a restaurant just to find anything for us. Well, we had payed our midwife in full with all we had and planned on a homebirth and thought we would be fine (we had no insurance, no job). Little miss Capri decided she wanted a 40 hour labor, which led to the hospital visit. My job went down from full time, to part time (and just last week it went down to 15 hours a week).

We went from being debt free to buried in debt. We have medical bills up the wazoo that we can't even touch, and have been sent to collections (a less then 24 hour stay at the hospital resulted in 10k in medical bills, this should be illegal in my opinion!). We have lived off credit, food stamps and whatever else we can to get by.

Well, we have maxed out every credit card, used up all the food stamps, and we STILL can't find jobs. My parents are helping us all they can, but they honestly are dealing with the pressure of the economy as well. So are other family members. To be honest it doesn't comfort me to know that these people are in the "same boat". I'm sad for them, I am terribly, ripped open and raw for them because I know how scary it is, and I know how hard it is.

I have an amazing business, a beautiful business that I believe in, but yet isn't growing. It's my hope, my future, my dream, my desire, my passion, but it's not going anywhere. Why? I don't know, maybe because people aren't thinking about buying awesome products are starting a business because they are desperately trying to pay their car payment too?

My sweet husband, has THE strongest conviction to provide for his family. I see him every day putting himself out there to find something that will meet our needs. Tonight, he cried in my arms because he feels so awful. "I just want you and Capri to have so much more". I try and tell him he's a great provider, because he is, and he takes care of us, but there is nothing super encouraging to say right now, it just is what it is.

It's 4:15 in the morning, I can't sleep because of an awful emotional night, and boobs that are engorged past humanly possibly (I'm weaning, and that is a really long story for another time), and I have NO idea what tomorrow will bring.

post signature

19 comments:

Hyperactive Lu said...

Oh girl. I just want to pick up the phone and call you or run to your house and give y'all a HUGE hug. I know what you are feeling and its a miserable place to be. My heart breaks that y'all are having trouble. I don't have any words of wisdom or any advice. I wish I did, but y'all need something big like a miracle right now. I know our GOD can do it. He's pulled us out of the lowest of the low. I didn't even think Andy and I would still be married after all the financial stress and heartache, but we did and ONLY through Christ. I remember what it felt like to have maxed out credit cards and having to call my parents again. I know y'all can do this. I don't think I've ever "met" such a mature and strong Christian as you are. Your blog is always refreshing to read and you know things about marriage and life that it took me YEARS to learn! You can do this. I say, gather up friends, family and neighbors. Fast, pray, call on the Lord to do miraculous things. I will definitely be on my knees for y'all today. I know y'all can do this... is miserable now, I KNOW! but looking back, I am thankful for having gone through that because I've seen God's wonderful grace and mercy and love. He was with us the entire time and I know He's there with you. I pray that the Lord would wrap His arms around you and your husband and give y'all a sense of peace. I pray that your husband finds the BEST job. You're doing a great job and don't give up! Also, if you'd like, we'll pay for y'all do go through FPU course. It might help once y'all do get a job and it'll help y'all work through the debt. It really helped us after Andy got a job (he lost is job and thats why we were in such bad shape) and it helped us to pay off debts. We're still paying debts off, but it also helped us to organize and budget. :) Hang in there! I'm praying for ya!

Lisa said...

I too will be praying for you. Never be afraid to share what you're feeling, Carrington. That is why God gave us one another. To hold each other up during tough times. I know it's really hard not to be afraid, I'm dealing with issues too, but God will take care of us. I'm saying this to myself as much as I am to you.
You are doing well and holding your husband up too. Acknowledging that he is feeling great responsibility for his family, and just being "for" him is huge. You all (as we are here)are learning to trust God in the little things, and the big, life-changing things. I'm sending prayers up on your behalf, and much love your way!

Erin said...

Carrington,
Thank you for being real. Thank you for being vulnerable, and honest. I really appreciate you. You are so wise beyond your years.
The first thing that came to my mind when I read this post is, "God never gives you more than you can handle". Sometimes this is a hard quote to believe in, especially when it seems like the world is caving in on you. However, I believe it is true.
I truly believe that you have a large network of people praying for you, Wade, and Capri. It breaks my heart to know that y'all are so scared. Please know that I am praying for you, and I know that others are, too!
"Dear God, please wrap your arms around this awesome family. Their will is to serve you. Please provide comfort and guidance at this time. Open doors for them that seem slammed shut right now. Remind them of your unending love and comfort. Wrap your arms around them and provide hope, because you have promised that light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel. Amen."
*HUGS to you Carrington!*

Des said...

Seeing your husband at his wits end is enough to take any woman to the brink. Thanks for being so honest. It really does suck though. It doesn't help to know there a millions and millions of people in the same boat as you... but still you aren't alone. I believe that God can take any situation and turn it into good. My sister and her family went through a really difficult time financially and it was one of the hardest things I've ever witnessed, especially since we weren't in a place financially to help.
But just when you think you can't take it anymore, something happens suddenly to make the world a better place.
I'm right there with you. I didn't have insurance with my daughter's birth and have in the last year only managed to pay 1/2 of the $12000 of medical bills we accrued in less than 48 hours.
But GOD IS IN CONTROL. Just lean on Him and your family. You'll make it through.

Tina said...

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I hope you've been able to rest and see joy in the morning. It is such a tough time for everyone lately- I know these times bring us to our knees and surely there is a greater plan for your family just around the corner. Thank you for being honest about it- it makes everyone else know how to pray for you and also makes us all realize how we are not alone!

Steph

Mimi's Toes said...

"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
Dear Carrington,
I am praying for you & Wade. There is a Job out there for Wade. I struggle with financial issues and I just hold on to the promise of God. He will never leave you or forsake you. You have a great big circle of friends and people who love and care about you guys. I am going to add your family to my prayer list and I can't wait to hear the good news that is sure to come. We Love you and your family.

Right Here in This Moment said...

O.k so I can across your blog and It is like looking in a mirror of my life. My high school sweetheart and I were married after we met in high school we dated for 6yr (1 yr long distance) we married March 25, 2000 and our first daughter was born december 17th scarry! well it is 8 yrs adnd three kids later and even thought we married young we are happy then the day we got married. GOOD LUCK!

Right Here in This Moment said...

I will pray for your family
HUGS

Anonymous said...

Carrington: I am adding you to my prayer list as well. I am Mimi's sister and truly know what you're going through. We had no insurance with the birth of our first boy 35 years ago . . . but through the grace of God we have overcome the debt. He is faithful even when we're not faithful! Keep your chin up and know that there are lots of people cheering for ya'll! Capri is a doll . . .I enjoyed the video so much! We're expecting a new grandbaby in Jan. and we're so excited!
Love & Prayers,
Diane

Crooked Eyebrow said...

Carrington,

I wish I could give you the biggest hug and tell you everything will be ok. It will. YOU have faith. I believe in you.

You and your family will be ok.
You will all be in my thoughts and better brighter days will come your way.

The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

They just upped our food stamps because we make so little. It is a scary time. I have a few friends who can't even find jobs waitressing because no one is hiring. It's crazy. Hang in there.

To Think is to Create said...

I'm sad that I didn't see this right when you posted it, but wow, look at your amazing readers!

God totally provides, without question. Even if we all have to move to a hippy commune together (which you know I'd totally love...) we will all be together. It's good to get it out, no one comes here expecting perfection. I think blogging is too therapeutic for you to go too long without your "therapy".

Hang in there babe.

Super Woman said...

I understand how you're feeling; we've been in a similar situation before, and may be again. I left my job about a year and a half ago to stay home with our son, and my husband found out on 6/30 that he was the latest to be downsized from his company. So now neither of us is working. It's a scary time to be looking for good jobs, there's no question. But you can't afford to freak out -- you've got to continue to have faith that things will turn around. When they can't get any worse, the only direction they CAN go is up.

Wishing you all the best. Hang in there!!

It's a Beautiful Ride said...

Read Isaiah 43.

This chapter has pulled me from a wreck, keeps me from under the rock, and reassures me that he PROMISES.

And he'll keep those promises.

We WILL be faithfully praying for financial blessings to be poured upon your family.

Claim it and speak it as if it were yours! Thank him in advance. Faith is the essence of things we don't see.

Hugs..........

Erin said...

Carrington,
THanks for posting on my blog. I am so glad that you find comfort in the support that you have on the blogosphere. :)
I thought of you SO MUCH at church this morning. I was able to go back to the church that I went to when I lived in GA today, and it was a great blessing. The pastor talked about prayer. The whole sermon was on prayer. He menitoned something close to what you posted about on this post, with finances and whatnot. It just made me think about you. I am going to try to put my notes onto the web from the sermon, and maybe you'll know why I was thinking about you!
Needless to say, you were lifted in prayer in GA this mornin'! Hang in there girl, He is with you!

Erin said...

Hey darlin, I am uust checking in with you. I hope you're comforted in knowing that people care about and love you. You're being lifted up!

Drea said...

Hey Capri,
Sorry to hear about the struggles.. that is so hard. we were there after we had my 1st son. we lived off nothing and had so much debt.. it got better when we moved to ohio.. but even there we lived off wic.

im blessed to be some place now where we have a lot more flexibility.. but I know if the economy doesnt get better soon we will hurt soon enough.

saying a lil prayer for you today.
Hang in there!

BTW what is your business?

Stephanie said...

Oh, Carrington. Thanks for being so open and honest. I just sent up a prayer for you and your family. Sending warm wishes and hugs your way...