Intention

I was bouncing up and down, up and down on the exercise ball to get Capri to sleep. I was bored, and frustrated in that moment. There were SO many things I would rather be doing right now. It's so easy for me to become bored and frustrated with all the daily things that MUST get done (like putting baby to sleep multiple times a day).
However, in this moment I decided to talk to God. I confessed my frustrations, surrendered and promised Him I would be quiet, quiet and listen. What did he want to teach me? I waited, I bounced, I listened. I started thinking about intention. Was it possible to live with clear intention in EVERY moment? Every step I took, every thing I did, even every THOUGHT I thought, was of my own choice, my own decision.
I've learned that the sub-conscious mind is very powerful, and most of us, don't actually decide to do about 95% of the stuff we do all day long. We are in this fog, daze, robot mode. We live our lives controlled by belief systems (negative and positive) and habits. If we have an intentional thought it is to "escape". This is why there is so much talk about being "present" in the moment.
I don't know about you guys, but being present is sometimes scary for me. The silence, and rawness that can come from a present moment is a little overwhelming. I find myself thinking about what I *should* be feeling, or thinking or praying. Can you relate to that? If you asked me if I was the kind of person that enjoyed being alone, I would have always answered "yes", but the older I get, the less that is true. Having a little baby I find myself longing for those moments, only to sit there wishing she would wake up so I didn't have to be alone. And don't confuse what I am saying... I am not talking about the depressive, I.want.to.run.away kind of feeling. I'm talking about those moments where life is so REAL so alive, and you are so actively engaged in that moment that the power of it can seem overwhelming.

I believe that this is where God lives. In the present state. He taught me, while I was bouncing on that ball to think about the things that move me closer to Him, and closer to the things that create a happy, healthy, successful, giving, growing me, and CHOOSE to do those things. He taught me to think about the thoughts HE wants me to think about and learn, and meditate on those things. I confessed, and realized that I was already actually meditating on things, they just weren't from him. They went something like this....I'm so tired, exhausted, what will I eat? When am I off work? When will this baby sleep? Ugh, will we ever have more money? I feel ugly today, no ones cares, I'm not worth it, I'm not good enough, what do I look like? I feel so bad today....
They are all the most brief of moments that I don't even catch how negative they are until I reflect on my day, and I see that my thoughts, ended up creating my actions, which ended up being NOTHING that I actually really wanted to do that day.
I learned, that my life could be SO much more powerful if I chose to engage in every moment. To listen to God speaking to me, to listen to what others had to say, and to meditate, read, and allow things into my mind that focused me on the things I really wanted. I want to be the one that decides what each moment of my day will look like. I want it to look like one that is completely surrendered.
So, I ask you guys. How much more powerful can your lives be if you lived in every moment? If you were the one that decided and were intentional about your actions? Instead of the negative belief systems that control us each moment.
Because sometimes, just bouncing on a ball, putting a baby to sleep can turn into a profound moment where God speaks to you a really BIG truth.

Some Great Questions

CDC Chief Admits that Vaccines Trigger Autism

Please take a look, and ask yourself the same questions!

A New Season

My mom wrote this beautiful "post" even though she doesn't have a blog, and e-mailed it to the family, and I thought it was so great that I wanted to share it with you all. It's kind of long, but worth the read!

Our Quiver was Full, but Now the Nest is Empty

Psalm 127: 3-5 "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."

Our Quiver was very full. We were blessed with four beautiful children, two boys and two girls. Last week we helped our 20 year old son, the youngest, move into his own apartment. We helped him sort all his belongings in three groups - throw away, give away, and keep. He's a keeper, so not much went into the first two piles. He borrowed a trailer from a friend, and hooked it up to his monster truck. Thankfully he had friends to help him load up, sparing his mom and dad from the heavy lifting. It would ultimately take two trips with a full trailer, truck and car to haul it all to his new place. He, and all his things, are gone. The nest is indeed.... empty.

After we arrived at his new place, I soon busied myself unpacking and setting up his kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. I didn't mind the the back-straining work too much, it was a welcome distraction from all the sadness I was feeling in my heart. As I progressed through all the boxes and bins, I found myself re-living so many memories in my mind. First, I thought about when we moved our first child out of the house, to a college dorm two hours away. I remembered experiencing the deep, heart-aching pain, and non-stop tears for an entire week. I grieved not for her leaving as much as for the end to that season of life we had with her.

What I ultimately learned though, was my life with her was not over, but that a new adult relationship with her was beginning. My sadness for losing what we had as a parent-child relationship was soon replaced with the joy and challenge of a new relationship with a wonderful adult woman whom we loved very much. That lesson served me well, so as each successive child left the nest, I soon was able to replace my sadness for their leaving with great anticipation of the new adult relationship that we would be developing. As each child left the nest, it did get easier for me to accept.

As I finished unpacking the last of my son's kitchen boxes, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I felt God speaking to me in a voice that was certain, "You and John have done a wonderful job, you gave your children everything you could, you loved them unconditionally, you taught them to know Me, their heavenly father, and accept my Son, Jesus, as their savior. Well done!" We were affirmed!

As I put away all my son's clothes, (which took a while, since he refuses to part with any of his favorite t-shirts!), I was able to recount in my mind, all the major events in his life, from birth up until now. I felt so blessed by those memories, since lately my memory is definitely not what it used to be. I've read that when we get older our problem is not lack of memory, but lack of recall! Everything that we have experienced in life is stored in each of our massively underused brains, if only we knew how to access it. Somehow, the simple act of unpacking gave me unlimited access to so much detail of my memories of his life so far. And when my thoughts reached our current point in time, the unpacking was done. How perfect!

For about a month now, friends and family have lamented to us, "With the last one leaving, your nest will be empty!", they seemed concerned as to how we were going to fare through it all. I wondered why an empty nest has to be such a negative time in our lives? It occurred to me that if we believe what God's word teaches us In Psalm 127 - that children are a blessing from God, and that a "full quiver" of them is also a blessing, then shouldn't their eventual leaving the nest, as independent adults, also be a blessing as well? Yes, we will miss seeing them and living under the same roof with them, but I hope we will also be thankful for those many blessings, and see the empty nest as part of His plan for us.

As a little girl I remember each spring, watching in wonder,as a couple of birds would build a tiny little nest up high in the eaves of the front porch of our family home. We watched them use small twigs, leaves, string, and anything else they could find in our yard. One time they even used a broken shoelace discarded from my brother's shoe!

Eventually, we would see one of the birds just sitting in the nest and not leaving. We knew it must be the mom sitting on her eggs, because she never left, and the other (daddy) bird would bring her worms to eat. We anxiously watched and waited (what seemed like an eternity!) for the baby birds to hatch. Finally, the day would come, and we would hear very loud chirping coming from our front porch, The babies had hatched!

Both mommy and daddy bird worked feverishly, day and night, taking turns leaving the nest and returning with food, and shoving it down their baby bird's throats with their beaks. The babies grew quickly, and soon, could barely all fit in the small nest, until one day, sadly, they were all gone. The little birds left the family nest! But guess what, so did the mom and dad!

The parents had stayed with the little ones until they all grew too big for the nest, and wanted to go out on their own, and so they left. Mom and dad, having completed their task, were now free to leave the nest too, free to set new goals and discover new adventures for them both. God's perfect plan.

I decided this week, I want to be like the birds. Our little birdies have grown too big for the nest, thanks to all our hard work and dedication to them, and when it was time, they left. I want to feel like the birds, free to see the world, free to pursue new goals, and discover what new missions God has in store for my husband and myself. I look forward to all the blessings we will have with our adult children and now their children, and so on. Hopefully they will remember the good things we did in our little nest, and pass those on. It will be our legacy.

Our quiver was full, the nest is empty, but now, these birds are ready to soar!

posted by Olive U.

Spring

Spring is here, the sun has been making an appearance, and I have jumped back in flip-flops. Feeling better. I told a friend today that instead of my default being sadness (and it taking a lot to make me happy), I am default happy. It feels good to be back to normal. I guess I just needed a little bit of sunshine.

Joy

My Sister sent me the link to an awesome post, and I really wanted to share it with you all.

It spoke to my heart, inspired and encouraged me, and I think it is a MUST read, so please go HERE, and take a look.

Here is a little clip:

And I wonder if our daily lives are characterized by as much joy and gratitude as we presume? Are those emotions something we believe in, give mental assent to…but rarely feel. I wonder if we don’t allow our well-being too often to be at the whim of mainly external factors. We rely, wait, on some outer emotional weather, our daily environment, to rain down some joy, shower us with happiness. Sadly, we let something of such paramount import as our daily joy to be unpredictable and fleeting, dependent on environmental happenings rather than a permanent, interior fixture of our being.

If we know gratitude bathes us in joy, why isn’t it a trait we nurture in our everydays, when there is no rain in the land? Why does joy seem more like an evasive mirage for most people, an oasis we rarely arrive at, put down roots and make our long term address?

Baby Yoga

Every day, all day long, this is all she wants to do. She does the yoga pose trying to hold her feet. Most babies I've seen lean over trying to touch their toes, but my daughter was blessed with some flexibility, and she just pulls them right up to her! I had some better shots, but they were all a little inappropriate, a little "spread eagle" if you know what I mean! I think we need to get into some mommy and me yoga classes, stat! I have a talented little one!

and THIS face makes my heart melt...

Does this count as babywearing?

For more best shot Monday's go HERE

The burden we bear

A few weeks ago, life became a little more stressed. Wade was working 12 hour shifts (at night), 7 days a week. Capri was teething/sick and refusing to go to sleep at night. I was working, and trying to handle all the things at home that Wade usually handles, but now he didn't have time for. Capri and I never saw Wade, and I wasn't getting any help from him.

On top of all the stress, I found myself losing coping skills. My anxiety was really high, especially in those moments where Capri was upset, and I couldn't figure out how to calm her down by myself. I had two MAJOR emotional breakdowns in the same week, both with people I never fight with: my husband and my sister (also the two people I am closest to).

I knew that I wasn't myself. I didn't want to get out of bed, or do anything except be with my baby. When great things happened, I was "trying" to be happy. I've never really felt this way, and I've always seen myself as a positive person. The fact that I've always been a positive person, played into the difficulty of this time. It was really unfamiliar to me, and I didn't understand it, or know what to do. The only thing I really found joy in were the smiles of my baby, but her cries sent me over the edge.

Hopelessness, and despair... they can take a normal day, to a horrible day, even without anything happening. I started to feel like I was going a little crazy. Everything was exaggerated and intense. If Wade had even the slightest negative tone with me I would start crying. Crying became an every day thing. I was so painfully resistant to everything, that even the slightest thing like getting dressed, or going to get the mail, or changing a diaper, or making food for myself seemed overwhelming. I just kept saying "Life is SO hard right now." I WANTED to say "life sucks right now" but I knew that wasn't true when I looked at Capri's face and how blessed I was by her and my husband.

I was trying to figure out WHAT was going on, and why couldn't I handle anything anymore. Through the help of family I started to realize that this was probably a hormone related thing. My baby is three months old, and my body is still adjusting. It was such a relief to understand that there was something out of my control going on here. When I started to lose it at times I wanted to cry out "No one understands, I can't do this, I can't do this!"

I decided to step back a little, and I took a week off work. I don't know if I could be diagnosed with postpartum depression, I'm not a doctor, and I don't know if mine was as serious as a lot of women out there. I began doing some natural things that have really helped. I've already been eating healthy, but if I wasn't I would have done that first, but I also added some supplements:

• I started taking MORE all natural progesterone cream to balance those hormones
• Loaded up on fish oils and st. johns wort to give me a mental boost
• I started taking some adrenal supplements and loaded up on those as well

ALL of this has been slowly making me feel better, along with taking a break and taking care of myself. Another HUGE help? Friends. I decided that while I was off of work I would sort of hide out, be alone and I thought that was what I needed. Well, my sister didn't agree and she gathered my "tribe" of ladies, and they all took care of me this week. They got organized and each of them picked a day, and they brought me dinner every night this week (and also hung out with me and cheered me up). It was SO good, and its amazing how much stress is eliminated just by not having to worry about dinner (especially since It's almost impossible to leave the house alone since Capri hates the car). I am so blessed to have people that would sacrifice, and I mean sacrifice time away from their schedules and families to be there for me. THANK you Ashlee, Jen (monkeybread), J-con, Jaymi, Steph and Robin for all the food, love and support. And of course my sister, Arianne who gathered up my tribe, put up with a whole lot, forgave me, and guided me through this with her mommy wisdom.

I'd love to tell you that I am all better, things are great and I am moving on with life, but that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is, I am still struggling, things are SO much better, and I am not on the edge of having a break down, but joy is still a struggle to find. I see it like this-
have you ever taken a walk at night, and stood in front of a light post? If you turn around and walk away from it, your shadow gets larger and larger until you are surrounded by darkness, and can't see anything, not any light. Well, this was where I was at, and I finally (with the help of others) turned around. I can see the light post, and all the light, and the more steps I take, the more light surrounds me. However, my shadow is still there, and the darkness isn't far behind me. I've gotta keep moving forward, and getting better.

My sister told me that hormones are the burden that every mother bears for some reason, and I'm just happy to have survived it, and be turning around.

Wordless Wednesday: Blue sweater for my blue eyes